A few weeks ago I went to a speed dating event out of utter boredom. It was held at a bar called Degree in the Viaduct waterfront of Auckland. The bar is the kind of place where characters of a Judd Apatow movie would congregate. Think of a glass pained bar and air that permeated with hairspray.
The event was held upstairs. The cost was $55. I texted the organizer. I said that $55 was way too much to talk to a few bimbos. I said I would do it for less money and drink specials. She settled on $35 and a drink voucher. The organizer looked like she had a few botox injections and her boobs were gorgeously fake. She had the look of gold digging trophy future ex-wife. (I hope she is not reading this, she was actually nice) There was 9 guys and 8 girls. It turns out that all but one of the girls did not pay, the organizer had to scour the streets to fill the girl's seats. Most of the dudes paid $55. All of us were given cards to write our perceived matches name on.
Sat down to girl number 1. She looked a little round in the face, then she stood up. Her face looked skinny compared to everything else. Ok, deep breath. I will at least let her speak. She speaks. Words come audible, but the message is clear: she has a cat and rarely leaves the house, except when she goes to work in the library. That's cool, another girl who is afraid of sunlight.
Girl 2. I need a interpreter. She is from Japan. Steel resolve is in her veins. She tells me that I should circle match on all of the girls on my card, that way, she said the girls will circle who they really want as a match. This woman is a speed date veteran.
Girl 3. Has a bow tie on her head, kind of like a x-mas present. "Are you going to pop out of a box for me" She does not like this comment. She ignores me for the next 9 minutes. I like my chances.
Girl 4. Says she works in television. I ask her about the internet, she responds by asking me what market share is. I explain what Google is doing to tv advertising. Long awkward pause. She is a bright one. I try to understand how people like this have the skills to even buy a bus ticket, let alone "work in television"
Girl 5. I quote: "I am here with a friend, it was her idea, she needed support." Her friend was girl number six.
Girl 6. I quote: "I am here with a friend, it was her idea, she needed support." Her friend was girl number five. Someone is embarrassed to be here. wonder who it is?
No girl number 7, empty chair, must of got scared and left. My own thoughts for 10 minutes.
Girl 8. Smoking hot brunette. "Ive never been to karaoke," she stammers. I suggest to leave at once, I get up, she does not move. Ok, maybe it was the wrong angle. Before I try another pickup line, she belts out a Katy Perry song with the worst American accent I have ever heard. Those 10 minutes seemed to last for days.
Girl 9. Clone of the Shallow Hal girl, but bigger, maybe. She does not drink, so she gives me her drink voucher. My $35 cocktail just turned into a $17.50 drink. If I get one more voucher, I will break even for the night. She also lectured me about her job at a burger joint and wonders if she is appreciated. I respond by telling her that if food had feelings, it would be happy for her. She thinks this is funny. I like my really like my chances.
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